Michael Phelps is an Absolute Fraud.

Whoever at Discovery Channel who thought this Michael Phelps shit was a good idea yesterday is an absolute bozo. I’m far from the smartest man alive which may explain why I thought this, but I, like most of America who tuned into watch this travesty of a televised event, was under the impression he was ACTUALLY GOING TO RACE THAT SHARK. I WANTED THE THEATRICS. I WANTED THE POSSIBILITY OF BLOODSHED AND DANGER.

I don’t know how I expected them to pull that off but after spending an hour of my rare and precious free time just to watch Michael Phelps lose in a race against a CGI shark, I was heated.

If you ask most rational human beings if any human could outswim an underwater murderous beast, the logical answer would be “no”. However, hundreds of thousands of suckers like me tuned in.

Those frauds at Discovery Channel even tried turning him into a cyborg with all the equipment and flippers they gave him in order to even up the playing field. He is already the fastest swimming human being to ever exist, it’s not even fucking close and they still had to give him that shit to make it a watchable event.

The SIMULATED race didn’t even start until 8:57 and by that time, according to my Twitter feed, most people were done watching that baloney. After nearly an hour of build-up for this Man Vs. Beast showdown for the ages, HE FUCKIN’ LOSES.

THE RACE WAS SO SHORT IT COULD HAVE BEEN SHARED IN A SINGLE TWITTER VIDEO. Discovery Channel, you have gone the way of clickbait media outlets like Buzzfeed. Atrocious TV special out of you guys.

 

-Cooke


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