According to Science, Playing Football Will Probably Ruin Your Life Forever

Breaking news: despite popular belief, football is actually in fact bad for your the health of your brain. Who could have ever had the foresight and intelligence to see this bombshell coming?

So exactly how bad is football for you? Well I’ll tell ya.

According to a study published by the medical journal JAMA, studies were conducted on the brains of 111 former NFL players (all dead as doorknobs) and a whopping 110 were diagnosed with CTE. I’m willing to bet that that one lucky bastard who avoided the dreaded disease was likely a kicker or punter.

Even more shockingly, the same study revealed that 48 of 53 former COLLEGE football players were posthumously diagnosed with the disease as well. A percentage nearly as high as the NFL numbers.

To all of you that know me, I was born without an ounce of athletic ability in my body. The most athletic thing I’ve done in the last 22+ years was outswim millions of other sperm cells, a feat I’m incredibly proud of. The extent of my football career was 4 years of flag football and the most physical that got was in 4th grade when an incredibly husky teammate of mine jumped through the air like Lawrence Taylor to crush a fellow Fourth Grader who probably weighed at least 80 pounds less than my teammate.

My brain health may be less than ideal however at least my lack of athletic ability saved me from ending up like punch drunk Broadway Joe Namath trying to shoot my shot on the sidelines on national television.

 

CTE is not good. Far from good honestly. According to a quick little Google Search, the most acute symptoms of CTE include disorientation, headaches, and dizziness, but as time goes by the symptoms worsen to include Dementia, speech impediments, poor decision making and even suicidal thoughts or actions.

Long story short, football is kind of dangerous. While this report is frightening, it is likely to change absolutely nothing. Everybody knows football is likely to reduce the quality of life for its players down the road, and that is a sacrifice the athletes are aware of when they put their helmets and cleats on every Sunday.

-Cooke


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