When I opened this article, I was bombarded with numbers to the point that the PTSD from my finance classes hit me harder than a haymaker from C-Breezy. Surely, I am about the furthest thing from a scientist, but I decided to power through and read it slow and steady. Basically what my lazy inferior brain got from this story is that our planet is totally fucked.
I always believed in climate change and global warming however I think everyone can agree that this year it has actually become noticeable to the common man. I went to Myrtle Beach for spring break last week and from what I can remember half of the trip was mid 40’s and WINDY. I was getting tossed around like Amber Rose at well pretty much any Hollywood after party.
Basically what I’m trying to say is I can barely handle the levels of cold I have to endure when the weather is normal. At first I thought global warming meant my CT suburb was gonna become Key West and I was about to buy a damn Hummer. I’m starting to learn now that all it means is shit is going to hit the fan everywhere. There are hundreds of thousands of scientists in the world, yet I can’t even go down south to give these rock hard nipples a break. It is because of this that I have decided to wake up the hero within me and pitch our next move as humans.
If you listen to our podcast at all, you probably know about the recent NASA discovery of seven possibly hospitable planets. That’s right, we found seven more earths that we can burn through! So what the hell are we worried about. Myrtle Beaches 2-8 are gonna be lit next spring break.
Look at that shit. Earth and this new spot are out there looking like the Olsen twins and I can’t decide which one I want to snort meth with more!
But seriously, lets put a hold on Elon Musk’s tourism spaceship and put some funding towards exploring these places. I can’t be the only person that is literally salivating at this discovery.
Of course I’m excited at the fact that we could potentially have another shot at a hospitable planet that hopefully we won’t fuck up this time. It’s just an added bonus that there are also probably mad aliens all over these places. Or who knows, potentially more humans! Could you imagine?! I’m fully torked just thinking about how dope it would be if we found more beings. Aliens probably know so much more than us, not to mention alien chicks are probably freaky as hell.
The moral of this blog is, forget Earth, we fucked it up way too bad. It’s like that moment you know that your girlfriend is never going to let you live down something you said or did. But in this case, you have seven more identical girls to move on to. We have potentially seven more do-overs so let’s try not to fuck them all up.
By: Chris Sanfilippo