The Gospel According To Tebow



From the Gospel According to Tebow, Tim 3:16: For God so loved the world that he gave his second Son, Timothy, that whoever believes in him shall be entertained by him striking out on four pitches, looking at a meatball right down the middle of the  plate in Spring Training. Nothing like a little casual blasphemy to start off this blog post about our lord and savior Timothy Tebow.

When Tebow announced last year that he intended to give major league baseball a shot I laughed my ass off. I was (and still pretty much am) convinced that he was using it as a publicity stunt to sell a couple copies of his book. I couldn’t wait to laugh at whichever dumpster fire piece of shit MLB franchise that Tebow Time would turn into a media circus just for a few extra dollars worth of merchandise and minor league ticket sales. Low and behold it just HAD to be my beloved New York Mets.

I have been a long suffering Mets fan since I was young. If I were to complete a self-psychiatric evaluation on myself I would most likely identify the New York Mets as the cause of my trust issues and cynicism towards nearly everything in life. I can pinpoint what I was doing during the most embarrassing and traumatic Mets moments in the past decade to an absolute tee. I was at Shea Stadium farewell that should have been a touching farewell to the a lovable armpit of America, however, they waited to hold the ceremony AFTER the game. The problem there was THEY BLEW ANOTHER FUCKIN PLAYOFF BERTH THAT GAME. Going into that game they were tied for the National League Wild Card and due to a bullpen that year which was as effective as The Bay of Pigs, THEY LOST TO THE GOD DAMN MARLINS. 12 year old Ryan who still had a positive outlook on the world was DEVASTATED.

After the game they trotted out all of the Mets “Legends” in one of the most awkward stadium farewells in recent history. It was like your childhood dog getting run over by an 18 wheeler and your parents trying to make it better by giving you and your brother a goldfish.

The Mets may be an all time embarassing team, however over the past few years, they’ve been one of the better teams in the National League for the first time since I started growing hair under my armpits. Jeff and Freddy Wilpon must’ve decided they missed getting torn apart by the New York Media and loyal Mets fans so they decided to sign Tim Tebow, a man who has not played organized baseball since Ja Rule was the biggest rapper alive.

As much as I absolutely HATED this move, I can’t help but be absolutely fascinated to see how this plays out. He was quoted by a Major League scout who said that Tebow was the worst baseball player he has ever seen play in the Arizona Fall League. He played like absolute shit today against the Red Sox, striking out twice and grounding into a double-play.

Still, I can’t help but think “What if by some act of GOD this actually works out?” The dude drops Nagasaki level BOMBS in batting practice. You know who else hit bombs in batting practice? Barry Bonds did. Barry Bonds ended up being a pretty decent ballplayer. People are saying Tebow is too old to be starting to play baseball, at 29, but Bonds only got better after turning 30. Not saying Tebow is the next Barry Bonds, just pointing out the facts, people.

While Tebow is most likely going to hit .190 in Single A Brooklyn, I can’t help but have this baseball fantasy where Tebow turns into some Jason Giambi later in his career player, where he looks like Hulk coming off the bench and hits sound barrier breaking homeruns.

In 2019, Bryce Harper will be on the Yankees and they will be facing the Mets in the World Series. Tebow will defeat anti-christ Bryce Harper in the Armageddon by hitting a walkoff homer in Game 7 of the World Series, the Mets will be World Champs and Jesus Christ himself will come down from the heavens and all that have rooted for the Mets will secure their spot in God’s Kingdom.

I can’t wait for Tebow to grace all Mets fans with eternal salvation and orphans from every continent that we can all consider to be ours.

Please God. We need your help.


-Ryan Cooke


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